I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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