It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
