i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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