I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
