I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Im part way to drunk.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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