Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
