if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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