Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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