I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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