She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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