I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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