He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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