Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
