Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
