He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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