DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
