Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
