Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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