Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
