We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
