You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
