My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
