You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
