I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
try to milk me bitch
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