i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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