Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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