I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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