Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
