I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
