also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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