Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
