I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
