My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
