We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
