She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
