Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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