So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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