for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
