I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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