Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
