Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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