i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
