I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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