so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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