Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
