Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
