I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
