it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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