So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
