y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
