...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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